“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.