Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.