One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
So, can we agree on 4 or
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…