Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Your secret is safeish with me

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.