One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
my first dose meeting my second
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.