One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
