One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.