once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Something Saturday.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want