One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.


my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken


CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though


Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?


What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”


The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.


Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”


forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.