@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

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@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@DavidAdt1

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@TXrednation1

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

@cravin4

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@SketchesbyBoze

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.