One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato