One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long