Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

President The Rock Obama

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.