One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
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Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Still my favourite meme.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no