One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.