Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Pringles

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.