Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

groan^2

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

🌱🌱🌱

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.