One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
This is my emotional support knife.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?