One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.