One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.