One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life