One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Was it something I said?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere