Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has