One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*