One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
lost dog
