One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.