One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
taking June’s advice to heart
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Florida man
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games