Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

could’ve been anyone

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest