One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.