One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*