One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
A double negative is a big no-no.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“Worm Regards”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT