One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?