One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.