Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Bruh PLEASE

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.