One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Miscakes
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My neck, my back, my…
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?