One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
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Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still