One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
When you’re here for the treats.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?