One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles