One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”