Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”