Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

this isn’t threatening at all

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.