One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.