Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”