Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.