Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too