Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Facebook marketplace is a different world

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I stand by it

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.