Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Spotted in the wild

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!