Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!