One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.