I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
You Might Also Like
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
back to work
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.