Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”