Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”