Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Spotted in the wild

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Blocked: 1985

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.