One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
You Might Also Like
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
im 7 sauces long
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.