One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
What an awful time to have common sense.
peak technology
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald