One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Kermit goes Blue.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
…u ok Nintendo?