One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”