One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
