One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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That de-escalated quickly
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
But is it really??
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Windchimes
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Jus’ sayin. 😐
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o