One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
You Might Also Like
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
men, we mow at sunrise.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
me at the job i begged god for
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me