One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
You Might Also Like
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You better wish for more oil
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.