Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Otters see a butterfly.