Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football