Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.