One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You Might Also Like
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
some cats are just doing for fun!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.