@hazelmotes1

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

@Shenaniglenns

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@_zazaz_

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@FemmeEnFeu

I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.

@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you