One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?


Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends


Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland


Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle


BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.


Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk


Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog


Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.


I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.


[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky


Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?


“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you