Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
“Your password is weak”
You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
And I feel sorry for you