One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
🌱🌱🌱
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
LA today:
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.