One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.