one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My favorite farside!!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I see your IQ test came back negative
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No