Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Mood.. 😂

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE