Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

I have never related to anyone more.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?