one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
![]()
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.