one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Ha
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Somedays I just love AI so much
found my next D&D character name
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.