Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

My dress code is business-casualty.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks