One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.