Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now