One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.