One day you’re young and carefree and the next, you’re preheating the bathroom before you go in for a shower.
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal